4 ways parents can teach young boys about consent and how to go against the group, according to Dr. Becky

• This week, my DMs have been flooded with questions from parents.
• They're looking for advice on meaningful ways to teach their sons about consent and speaking up.
• My advice: Parents should start early. We need to raise our boys in ways that allow them to practice these skills.

In the past week, I've gotten the same DMs from thousands of parents: "I'm reading about the Cornell sexual assault allegations, and oh my goodness, I don't want that to be my son. What can I do?"

Well, let's start here: Assault prevention doesn't start with a college orientation talk. It starts years earlier. It starts with learning to hear someone else's "no." Noticing when something isn't right. Resisting the pull of the group. Speaking up when everyone else is going along. Knowing that silence means no, not yes.

If this set of skills is one we know we want our teen sons to possess, we must ask ourselves if we're raising them in a way that gives them practice living these truths as young boys.

Kids aren't magically gifted with these skills at 18 or when they arrive at college. The stakes may be higher then, which is exactly why the practice has to start much earlier. And that practice probably looks different from what you think. Here are four places to start.

Make sure you help your son practice wanting something and not getting it

Think about what consent eventually requires: You really, really want something. And another person — or even just the situation — is giving you information that says: "Not OK." That requires being able to tolerate frustrated desire.

Start by reflecting. When my son hears "no," does he get practice being upset and tolerating not getting what he wants? Or does he learn that if he pushes long enough, someone else's "no" might eventually change?

As parents, we often tell ourselves that giving in makes life easier. While it does make that moment easier, our kids need experiences where they want something, don't get it, feel disappointed, and learn that disappointment is something they can handle.

To be clear, this doesn't mean their feelings don't matter. In fact, it's the opposite. I can take your feelings seriously without letting them dictate my decision. That's a skill our kids will need for the rest of their lives.

Teach your son to notice other people

Consent is not just waiting to hear the word "no." We want kids — yes, especially boys — who notice the person in front of them. What is happening with this person? What information am I getting from them? Do I need to stop or change what I'm doing?

And again, this starts years before sex.

"Did you notice I was on a call when you came in? What could you have done?"

"Your friend got really quiet. Did you notice? What could that mean?"

"Your sister stopped laughing when you kept wrestling. What information does that give you?"

We can also teach this in incredibly ordinary moments. "You grabbed his toy. Did he say you could have it? I'll help you give it back." If your child responds along the lines of, "He didn't say no," then you can respond with, "If he didn't say yes, then it's not yours to take."

"Silence is not a yes" needs to be the takeaway. Someone freezing or getting quiet is information. Teach kids to notice it now, and continue to teach it as they grow.

Practice the words for speaking up

Noticing something is wrong is only half of the skill. The other half is doing something about it, even when everyone else seems to be going along.

Imagine your son is on the playground and a group of kids are laughing at a boy who fell. Your son starts laughing too, then notices the boy's face. Later, you might say: "I saw you notice Leo was upset. What could you do next time?" Maybe it's, "Stop." Maybe it's, "That's not funny." Maybe he asks the kid to come play with him. Maybe he gets an adult.

All of those reactions count. Taking action and getting help always counts.

As kids get older, practice the actual words with them. Speaking up in a high-pressure social situation is almost like speaking a new language. When stress is high, we rarely come up with our most thoughtful sentence. We reach for what feels familiar and practiced.

So give your kid some words and let him reject yours. "You'd never say that? Fine. What would you actually say?" The goal isn't to give him the perfect script. It's to help him hear himself say something out loud before he needs those words in a much higher-stakes moment.

Also talk directly about the fear underneath speaking up. "You might worry your friends will think you're lame. You might worry someone will get mad at you. You might worry you'll get in trouble, too. Those thoughts are normal. And I want you to know this: If something feels wrong, you can always call me. You can always get an adult. You will never be in trouble with me for trying to keep someone safe." That matters. We want our kids to know that asking for help is action, not failure.

Let your kid practice going against the group

"Everyone's going. Why would you want to stay home?"

"Come on. Just go! You'll have fun."

We sometimes say these things because we want our kids to belong, but this type of encouragement can also send a different message. We can't spend childhood constantly pushing kids toward the group and then expect them to magically resist the group when the stakes are higher.

When your child makes a different choice, get curious instead of immediately pushing them back toward everyone else. "Oh, interesting. Everyone else wants to go, and you don't. Tell me more." That's important practice.

Practice these skills early and often

Of course, young kids aren't navigating sex, alcohol, or a fraternity house. But young kids are learning all of the skills they'll eventually need when they are in those places and situations.

Wanting something and hearing no. Noticing the person in front of them. Speaking up when something feels wrong. Going against the group. Knowing that silence isn't a yes. These are skills we need teach kids in lower-stakes environments so they have something to draw on when the stakes get much, much higher.

Consent education starts before sex, respect starts before dating, and standing up to the group starts before the college party.

Our kids are learning how relationships work right now, which is exactly why the practice matters.

I'm not claiming this is some perfect formula for raising respectful, consent-driven boys (and girls). And I also want to acknowledge that we don't parent in a vacuum; our kids are absorbing powerful cultural messages all the time. That matters.

And that's exactly why what happens at home matters, too. Not because we can control every message they receive or overcome patriarchal culture with parenting, but because the patterns we establish at home give our kids something on the inside to push against all those messages from the outside.

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